This post will reveal things of a personal nature I have not yet shared openly with most people. Be forewarned, I'm not going to spare words:
I have to write. I have to write it all down. How else am I going to remember? To be able to look back at this time and understand myself and my journey, who I am? And who am I? I oft feel like I’m not a “me,” but a “him,” as if either this confusion, or my attempt at being objective about this confusion, has caused me to completely “other” myself into some disconnected third person. That can’t be healthy. Is that a sign of something? I’ve found myself asking that question more often. Too often. I’m looking for signs everywhere – I don’t know which way to go. As the ghost in one of my dreams the other night asked me … “which way?” That scares me – that even my dreams are echoing my confusion. Ghosts. Rooms. Doors. Three main occurrences in my mind at night, as of late. Tormented, trapped, wondering which way to go, which way to God, literally. Does God sanction both paths, both choices I have? Half the world says “yes”; Half the world says “no,” and here am I, caught in the middle. In between two worlds. Am I schizotypal for thinking it all rests on me? But it does, in my mind, doesn’t it? If I deny my own homosexuality, say it’s unnatural, aren’t I condemning massive hordes of people? And if I embrace it, aren’t I saying that everything I was taught, the world in which I grew, was wrong? One half of me is wrong, one half of me is right. And what’s interesting is, in the choosing, in the in-between space, no one is wrong. In the liminal space, no one goes to hell. All are loved by God. Isn’t that right? Believing in someone’s condemnation is the same as their being condemned, am I right? If I believe someone to be going to hell, hypothetically, then I know they are going there, and in some way, am in control of their fate – in my eyes, only, of course. But in my perception of my faith, my eyes equal God’s. We can’t deny that. As Descartes (a Christian) said himself, that’s really all we have to go by, isn’t it? Of course, there’s a God outside my mind, but I also have to take into consideration that I must use my limited mind to contemplate and make my own judgments about God. That’s what makes religion and philosophy so debateable. How could no one else see that? The arguments arise because we see ourselves as right, so then we are right. But with so many view points, whose right is “right”? Isn’t the act of agreeing with someone the act of taking some other’s view for our own? How do we reconcile that? How do we commune with God on our own, without outer interference? Without people saying “no, that’s wrong”; outside of the noise, what is God saying? God, who is a god of the in-between, holding the Universe together. The moderation of it! The balance of it! The beauty, the beauty! He is the glue, Wordsworth’s Universal, Coleridge’s Incomprehensible, Poe’s non-matter (that, if not scientific, I believe to be aesthetically accurate). We know that there is space between every single atom that is holding us together – so how do we not fall apart? Because of God – the God of the in-between! The God of Unity! Or by natural laws, some say – but that, too, is God! Science is God – what else could it be? How do people not see that? Our God is both gray, and black-and-white, because He is all things. We come to Him differently, each of us, because we are different, each of us, but He is unchanging, as Science is unchanging! He and Science are both was, and is, and is to come, because He is unchanging! Of course, granted, God is so much more than just “Science.” He’s in-between Science. “In the beginning was logos (logic, reason, order), and logos was with God, and logos was God” (John 1:1).