Sunday, June 15, 2008

Denver ponderings

Written from my friend's apartment in Denver, 6/9

Every breath I take on the opposite side of the door through which I just walked causes me to ponder just how sheltered a life I had been leading. It's okay to see what is outside, to advocate it, to sponsor it, support it, verbalize it, write about it, but upon stepping outside, you realize you know almost nothing about it, or how to handle yourself inside it. I'm almost ashamed of myself for my fears and anxieties based on insecurities and ignorances I've coddled all of my life - but realizing that millions and millions of people in this world are still being coddled by the same narrow-mindedness that helped keep me inside the closet for over ten years makes me very angry. Paul Monette called these people his "brothers," and I don't know them. I don't even know them as friends. And yet, I still stand in trepidation, once more hesitant to act. Why?

Perhaps it is nothing over which to be ashamed. A close friend of mine told me to be aware of and to cherish each conflicting emotion, each hesitancy - every step I take should be carefully examined, and I should rejoice even in the conflicts I experience. Perhaps I need to know myself more. Perhaps that is what this summer is for. I still kick myself when I fall into the act of mere contemplation of life when I could be outdoors living with it. I don't understand why I still live my life with a blinding fear of taking risks. I was always scared of everything as a child. Of course, I can't always force myself, because it's okay not to be comfortable with some things, but where do I draw that line? How do I know what I can handle?

Denver is so beautiful in many ways. It is a vibrant city with life, with people. True, at this moment, "people" is the one thing I want to get away from, but I can't ignore the fact that a lot of beautiful people share this earth, and breathe the air. If only, if only I knew how to approach them.

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