Saturday, November 17, 2012

Silence

This silence weighs with its own heaviness.
This silence is miles long, dragging like chains, louder than jet engines,
Full of a nothing so dense
it's hard to move or breathe.
Like Fuseli's nightmare perched upon my chest,
It presses deeper and deeper into me until
I feel my heart beat strike against my rib cage and
Struggle with my lungs which fight to fill themselves with air.

Why am I baptizing myself in this fiery silence, marked as it is
by the absence of voices?
I'm becoming one with it, putting it on like a suit,
trying it out like a thick coat, a suffocating woolen blanket draped across my shoulders
and wrapped around my waist.

I was the one full of words, at first, to fight his ghosts and silences.
I sent out the arms and strings of my eyes and heart
to someone who once told me he was destined for silence, 
solitude, isolation.

Why is it that giving all of me to prove to someone that
he was worth it -
Why is it that I'm the one that ended up alone? The one discarded?

Now I seek solace in the very silence that oppresses me,
befriending the lack of voices in my ear,
as I shut them out one by one - only the important ones remain.
But still not the one to whom I gave my voice,
to whom I gave so much of myself that this silence
found its room and inflated inside and,
surrounding me, muffled me into submission,
sitting here, aching once more, and always,

Wondering why it was you, the man to whom I want
to give the world, who was the only man to ever
tell me that I didn't matter -
When I knew you didn't mean it, and when I would still
defend you and your own broken heart,
Waiting, waiting, waiting for the silence
to break, with the tap, tap, patter
of your footsteps on my walkways.

1 comment:

babyblueeyed girl said...

soo the silence is excatly how i feel too
for different reasons
love you